eating music

(Enter: Qualia Corporation Office #966. Jerry is staring at a spectral analysis of a music track, looking for defects. It appears to be pristine, never before heard by the human ear. Suddenly, Jerry’s boss crashes through the door.)

Boss: JERRY! Do you know what I had to go through today?!

Jerry: Umm, did your car break down again?

B: I just got a report from a client YOU handled the music video for. You wanna know what they said? They said that SOMEBODY took a GREAT BIG LISTEN out of their most expensive piece! The static nearly drowned out the vocals near the beginning!

J: I don’t—

B: DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THAT? That family is one of our biggest customers– or should I say, WAS. Do you know how much money we spend on fresh music? It’s our biggest expense! Your PAYCHECK is NOTHING compared to this! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS?

J: Well, I mean, somebody has to sample it to make sure it feels right, you know?

B: YOU CAN TELL THAT BY LOOK ALONE. And besides, sampling random videos is QA’s job. Be honest, you just wanted to experience the music for YOURSELF, didn’t you?

J: Um. Well, you know, (gesticulating wildly) with the economy and all that, I never really get the opportunity to—

B: BUY SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF FOR A CHANGE. But not with our money, YOU’RE FIRED.

J: Wait, sir, just give me another chance—

B: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS.

(Jerry hesitates)

B: EMPTY THEM.

(Jerry slowly takes out his wallet, keys, and company keycard. He glances at his pockets as if to make sure nothing’s visible.)

B: ALL OF IT.

(Jerry starts sweating)

B: What are you hiding? I SAID ALL OF IT.

(Slowly, painfully, Jerry takes out a single flute)

B: A FLUTE? Ohh, Jerry, you’re gonna be in trouble BIG-TIME.

J: It’s — uhh, — it’s j-just a stick I found—

B: Possessing instruments without a license is a FEDERAL OFFENSE, Jerry. You know what happens when people start making music willy-nilly? Some factory starts composing a new vein of music, only to find later that the ENTIRE BATCH has been LISTENED TO ALREADY. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY THE INDUSTRY LOSES TO MUSIC THEFT EVERY YEAR, JERRY?

J: …a lot?

B: Your paycheck is pennies compared to it — or rather, WAS! I’M CALLING THE “POLICE”.

J: Wait, no, you don’t have to—

Phone: Dial dial dial beeeep beeeep beeeep.

J: (frantically) Don’t call them, I don’t want to go to jail, please just let me leave—

P: You have been placed on hold. Your time is valuable to us, and we will try to get to you as soon as possible. If you would like to listen to smooth jazz in the meantime, you can purchase two hours’ worth of credits at our—

(A woman starts speaking)

Woman: Hello, this is the Instrument Fraud Department of the “POLICE”. What can I help you with?

B: Hey! Hope you’re having a wonderful day! I have with me someone here carrying a flute without a license, if you can believe it! You don’t have a license, right, Jerry?

J: I, uhhh… I do have a license?

B: He doesn’t have a license. He’s here with me at 411 Fee Drive in the Qualia Corporation music preparation office.

P: We’ll be there right away, sir.

B: Cool beans! (hangs up) I’d say I’m sorry, but I have no sympathy for music thieves. A composer is going to go HUNGRY because of you, Jerry! HOW MUCH DID YOU USE THAT FLUTE OF YOURS, ANYWAY? Don’t answer that. The police will be here shortly. Goodbye, Jerry.